04.02.2013
Dear Dr. Rasmussen,
I recently applied for your 'Artist in
Residence' programme as I believe my skill set matched that of the
advertised position. Unfortunately the selection committee at your
University believed otherwise and I was not granted the position. I
was wondering if you would be so kind as to provide me with some
feedback, so I may be in a better position to attain employment at
your prestigious institution.
Kind Regards,
Andy Leonard
11.02.2013
Dear
Andy,
Thank
you very much for your email. We were very impressed with the
calibre of candidates for the Artist in Residence Programme this
year, we had over sixty applicants. As we stated previously, on this
occasion we are unable to offer you the position, however we
encourage you to apply next year. Unfortunately, the University is
unable to provide feedback to unsuccessful candidates.
We
wish you all the best in your future endeavours.
All
the best,
Dr.
Phyllis Rasmussen
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11.02.201
Dear Dr. Rasmussen,
Please, pretty please?
Kind Regards,
Andy Leonard
15.02.2013
Dear
Andy,
As
I said, the University is unable to provide individual feedback.
Your welcome to apply for the programme next year.
Regards,
Dr.
Phyllis Rasmussen
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15.02.20
Dear Dr. Rasmussen,
In your last correspondence to me, you
stated that something belonging to me was welcome to apply for the
next Artist in Residence Programme, however you did not state what
that something was. Are you able to clarify this for me please? If
you are perhaps saying that my friend 'is' welcome to apply for the
programme, you omitted the 'is' and I would ask, or indeed sing to
you the question 'What about me?' Or, perhaps you accidentally
omitted 'Majesty' and 'is' to the sentence. I don't actually come
from Regal blood, so there is no need to address me in that fashion,
however I do appreciate the gesture.
Kind Regards,
Andy Leonard
18.02.2013
Andy,
You're
welcome to apply next year.
Regards,
Dr.
Phyllis Rasmussen
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18.02.2013
Dear Dr. Rassmussen,
I thought using proper grammar was a
prerequisite to having a Doctorate.
Regards,
Andy Leonard
18.02.2013
Andy,
The
earlier email I sent to you was sent from a mobile device with
predictive text. I, like you it seems, have an aversion to the use
of incorrect spelling and grammar, however the day I replied to your
email was a very busy one and I responded in a hurry. As I am sure
you can appreciate, my job is very demanding and I am often faced
with multiple emails to respond in a very short amount of time. I am
sorry that I responded to your email without checking if my spelling
was correct.
Regards,
Dr.
Phyllis Rasmussen
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18.02.2013
Dear Phyllis,
Since you stated that you replied to my
earlier email 'in a hurry', surely it can be assumed that you read my
application, which, might I add, was ninety pages long, 'in a hurry'
also. Therefore, it would be assumed that the whole selection
process of the 'Artist in Residency' programme is a sham.
I am resubmitting my
application(attached) and would like the committee to reconsider
employing me as its Artist in Residence programme as the selection
process is so obviously flawed.
I assume that you would not like Deans
of other faculties to know of your incorrect use of spelling, the
lack of the apostrophe where needed and your obvious neglect due to
poor time management.
If you would like the other Deans to
not be made aware of these faults, I would respectfully request that
you address me with the prefix of 'Grandmaster'.
Kind Regards,
Grandmaster Andy Leonard
18.02.201
Andy,
I
will not respond again as I don't believe you are taking this
exchange seriously.
Regards,
Dr.
Phyllis Rasmussen
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18.02.20
Dear Phyllis,
Are there any other vacancies in the
faculty?
I can cook risotto (from rice and a
pan, not from a packet!), write award winning Haiku and I've come
first in every Egg and Spoon race I have ever entered. Surely that
must count for something.
I appreciate your time and I look
forward to hearing from you soon,
Kind Regards,
Andy Leonard
Note:
The
name of the Doctor has been changed for this blog and their position
is not disclosed. Call me a pussy, whatever.
