Dear Dr. Rasmussen

04.02.2013

Dear Dr. Rasmussen,

I recently applied for your 'Artist in Residence' programme as I believe my skill set matched that of the advertised position. Unfortunately the selection committee at your University believed otherwise and I was not granted the position. I was wondering if you would be so kind as to provide me with some feedback, so I may be in a better position to attain employment at your prestigious institution.

Kind Regards,

Andy Leonard

11.02.2013

Dear Andy,

Thank you very much for your email. We were very impressed with the calibre of candidates for the Artist in Residence Programme this year, we had over sixty applicants. As we stated previously, on this occasion we are unable to offer you the position, however we encourage you to apply next year. Unfortunately, the University is unable to provide feedback to unsuccessful candidates.

We wish you all the best in your future endeavours.

All the best,

Dr. Phyllis Rasmussen

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11.02.201

Dear Dr. Rasmussen,

Please, pretty please?

Kind Regards,

Andy Leonard

15.02.2013

Dear Andy,

As I said, the University is unable to provide individual feedback. Your welcome to apply for the programme next year.

Regards,

Dr. Phyllis Rasmussen

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15.02.20

Dear Dr. Rasmussen,

In your last correspondence to me, you stated that something belonging to me was welcome to apply for the next Artist in Residence Programme, however you did not state what that something was. Are you able to clarify this for me please? If you are perhaps saying that my friend 'is' welcome to apply for the programme, you omitted the 'is' and I would ask, or indeed sing to you the question 'What about me?' Or, perhaps you accidentally omitted 'Majesty' and 'is' to the sentence. I don't actually come from Regal blood, so there is no need to address me in that fashion, however I do appreciate the gesture.

Kind Regards,

Andy Leonard

18.02.2013

Andy,

You're welcome to apply next year.

Regards,

Dr. Phyllis Rasmussen

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18.02.2013

Dear Dr. Rassmussen,

I thought using proper grammar was a prerequisite to having a Doctorate.

Regards,

Andy Leonard

18.02.2013

Andy,

The earlier email I sent to you was sent from a mobile device with predictive text. I, like you it seems, have an aversion to the use of incorrect spelling and grammar, however the day I replied to your email was a very busy one and I responded in a hurry. As I am sure you can appreciate, my job is very demanding and I am often faced with multiple emails to respond in a very short amount of time. I am sorry that I responded to your email without checking if my spelling was correct.

Regards,

Dr. Phyllis Rasmussen

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18.02.2013

Dear Phyllis,

Since you stated that you replied to my earlier email 'in a hurry', surely it can be assumed that you read my application, which, might I add, was ninety pages long, 'in a hurry' also. Therefore, it would be assumed that the whole selection process of the 'Artist in Residency' programme is a sham.

I am resubmitting my application(attached) and would like the committee to reconsider employing me as its Artist in Residence programme as the selection process is so obviously flawed.

I assume that you would not like Deans of other faculties to know of your incorrect use of spelling, the lack of the apostrophe where needed and your obvious neglect due to poor time management.

If you would like the other Deans to not be made aware of these faults, I would respectfully request that you address me with the prefix of 'Grandmaster'.

Kind Regards,

Grandmaster Andy Leonard

18.02.201

Andy,

I will not respond again as I don't believe you are taking this exchange seriously.

Regards,

Dr. Phyllis Rasmussen

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18.02.20

Dear Phyllis,

Are there any other vacancies in the faculty?

I can cook risotto (from rice and a pan, not from a packet!), write award winning Haiku and I've come first in every Egg and Spoon race I have ever entered. Surely that must count for something.

I appreciate your time and I look forward to hearing from you soon,

Kind Regards,

Andy Leonard

Note:

The name of the Doctor has been changed for this blog and their position is not disclosed. Call me a pussy, whatever.