Dear Fratelli Paradiso

Dear all at Fratelli,

A few weeks ago, my friend and I were walking past your establishment whilst looking for a place to have a coffee and some wine before going to the theatre.  I had always liked your supermarkets as they reminded me of my time I lived in Italy, some of the products, whilst 2-4 times the price, were a little bit similar to the products I found in Italy.

When we entered the café, we were greeted by a friendly waiter.  We informed him, since we were off to see a play down the road, we only had time for coffees and a glass of wine.  The waiter said that was fine and sat us at a table on your terrace.  We were the only patrons seated, I'm not sure how many people the terrace sits, I'd assume around 25.

After about 5 minutes of waiting for our beverages, a snooty woman with long dark hair with a European accent informed us that since we were not eating, she would have to save our table for the possibility of potential customers who may, perhaps, wish to dine at the same time.

Myself and my friend were dumbfounded, we thought that since the café was empty and that the waiter had taken our order, we would receive and pay for our refreshments.

We left the restaurant, vowing never to return to an establishment which could employ someone so gruff, rude and who obviously didn't care for the reputation of the Fratelli brand.

Afterwards, I had a thought.  Perhaps the snooty woman with the long dark hair and the European accent was seeing something we were not seeing.  Has it occurred to you that perhaps you may have employed someone very special to manage your restaurant?  By 'special', I mean actually gifted and not 'special', as intellectually different.

As I had said earlier, it seems that your café would have accommodated around 25 people on the terrace, yet we were the only ones appearing to be sitting there.  There must have been at least 23 deceased people who your employee was seeing.  

I have seen such films at 'The Sixth Sense' and 'The Others', I understand that some dead people do not wish to share their houses, or seats, with the living.  However, since restaurant rent in Sydney is so incredibly high, perhaps you might wish to speak to your employee about the possibility of speaking with these souls and asking for them to share their seats with your patrons.  Perhaps she could ask the dead to only come out to dine outside of your trading hours.

I for one have many questions to ask the dead.  I have often wondered about Juanita Neilson and what really happened in 1975 when she went missing.  We all assume that she was murdered due to her open criticism of the Victoria Point Development, but I'd love to know the circumstances surrounding the incident.

The Kings Cross area has seen a lot of colourful people in its chequered and vibrant past, I can only imagine what some of these people were saying to your employee.  I was thinking that it may be a good marketing tool for your establishment.  I know that people would come from afar to hear stories of the dead from real life characters of 'Underbelly Razor', for example.  Do you think that this would be a good venture to embark on?  I think it would be, especially since you haven't really cornered the market with 'friendly service', I think this sort of gimmick would do wonders for business!

The only other explanation I can fathom is that your employee was not in fact a medium, but just maniacally insane and had tricked herself into thinking that the café was full when it was empty.

Thanks for taking the time to read this letter,

Kind Regards,

Andy Leonard

Dear Ssafia Farkash Albrassi (Safia al-Gaddafi Frankkywilliams)

Sir,
 
How are you doing today with work and family? Hope all is well? Please
be assured that this proposal is confidential and genuine. My name is
Ssafia Farkash Albrassi (Safia al-Gaddafi), one of the wives of
Muammar Gadhafi.
 
We all are aware of the current crisis in my country, Libya. Due to
this crisis many assets and money belonging to Col. Gadhafis family
and government officials are being frozen by western government, as
you can see on the following links:-
  
http://www.reuters.com/article/2011/03/09/us-libya-austria-assets-idUSTRE7284TE20110309
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/feb/27/gaddafi-family-assets-frozen-queen
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4WCp5rxNa1k
 
We have lost a lot and are losing many on a daily basis I need your
help to secure some of these funds because these are had earned money
and not stolen money, most of these money are by contracts executed by
the family. Examples are - BPs $900m 2007 Libyan oil exploration
contract, Owns shares in Juventus football club, Italian oil gian Eni,
and Pearson, the parent company of Penguin and the Financial Times,
Has had dealings with numerous Western financial institutions,
including Goldman Sachs, JP Morgan Chase and the Carlyle Group.
 
Due to the fear of our assets freeze, I have been able to move some
money to through security means as consignment and deposited it into a
security house in Accra Ghana, where I registered them as personal
effect. Two consignments with the sum of US$25,000,000.00 in each are
safe and now, I want you to help me receive one. I want to come over
there to start a new life. I am very sick of these wars. People are
dying every day. I am offering 35% and you will also help me invest
65% of my share into any lucrative business in your country, where
your government will not take much taxes from it, if you can, but if
not please keep it safe for me until everything goes quiet.
 
Please delete this letter if you happen not to be interested in this
and do not inform anyone about it. I am in refuge camp in
Algeria.Please ensure you get back to my Lawyer immediately.
 
Yours Sincerely,
 Ssafia Farkash Albrassi (Safia al-Gaddafi Frankkywilliams)
 

Dear Ssafia Farkash Albrassi (Safia al-Gaddafi Frankkywilliams),

First of all, let me take the opportunity to thank you for singling me out in choosing me with your business proposal.  

I would also like to express my condolences over your late husband and any other family members who may have been caught up in the recent troubles in your country.  He was a good man and I am sure he will be remembered well for the services to your country.


I am doing well thank you, my family and work are doing quite well.  Whilst I was quite sick up to about a month ago, having had a cardiac arrest, subsequent coma and surgery with an implantable cardiac defribulator, due to a rare disease called Brugada Syndrome, I am now doing quite well.  Thank you for your interest in my personal affairs.  How are you doing at the moment? I hope that you are doing well now, under the circumstances.

I had always been fascinated by your country.  As a young boy, when we were learning all the different flags of the world at school, I often came across the (former) majestic green flag of Libya and often thought that the flag had been unfinished, that it was waiting for something to be drawn on.  I still liked the flag, however, perhaps it reminded me of the fact that it was still a work in progress.  The new flag is quite nice too.

I also completely sympathise with you in the potential loss of $900 000 000 of hard earned money.  I have worked very hard in my life and, some years, despite lots of effort, I earn only around $60 000.  I imagine that the work you must have done to make that sort of money would be fifteen thousand times more labour intensive than what I had done in order to make that sort of money.

You mentioned that you didn't think that taxes in my country would be high enough to deter you from investing here.  I will have a talk to the Australian Taxation Department and ask them about that.  The only thing which may be a problem is, seeing as though you earned $900 000 000, it may put you in the highest taxation bracket.  It might not, I'll have to check and get back to you.

I read with interest that you have a financial interest in Juventus, that is really fantastic.  I have family from the Piedmont region of Italy from where the Juventus team is from, isn't that a coincidence?  I think that is definitely a sign that we should be in business together!

Where would you like to meet in order to exchange the $900 000 000?  I was thinking somewhere halfway.  I live in Coogee, which is in the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney, whilst the area is well connected with many convenient bus routes, I do find it a little tedious to match up the connections to get to the airport.  Since you'll be coming from Accra, you'll be getting an aeroplane anyway, so you may as well get to Sydney International Airport and take the connecting train to Town Hall Station.  I will meet you there at 12.00 midday on Sunday, 30th of October.  I will be able to get the M50 all the way there, so both of us are happy and neither are inconvenienced.  Seeing as though I do not have a recent photograph of you, I won't know how to recognise you.  With that in mind, I'd like you to wear a banana suit.  Bananas are so expensive at the moment and are seen as a luxury, therefore, dressing as bananas in my country is not uncommon, as it shows that you are a wealthy person who deserves respect.  I have included a link below of a costume I thought may be appropriate, however, if this doesn't suit, any full length banana costume will suffice.  

http://www.buycostumes.com/Banana-Deluxe-Child-Costume/17950/ProductDetail.aspx

I will be wearing a grey business suit, you should be able to recognise me.  When you see me, I'd love it if you could perform the Macarena very very loudly.  It's imperative that I don't get you confused with anyone else in banana costumes.  As I said, bananas are very popular here at the moment and everyone just wants to wear them.  How is your singing voice?  I think if you do the hand movements with great vigour, I should be able to recognise you.  The banana suit should cost $25, perhaps allow another $15 for shipping and the flight, including taxes is $2,381.24.  The ticket from the airport on the train is $15.80.  Please feel welcome to take those expenses out of the $900 000 000, we can divide up the remaining $899 997 577.96 accordingly.  I was considering asking you to take out some money for a hostel for the evening, but the weather has been so nice of late, if you're anything like your late husband I'm sure you'd prefer a tent which you'll be more than welcome to pitch in one of Sydney's many lovely parks.

Whilst in Sydney, I'd love to suggest some of its sights in your time before coming to meet me on Sunday.  The Harbour Bridge and Opera House area of the Rocks is a lovely place, you may wish to purchase a didgeridoo as a souvenir of your stay here, I'd recommend Paddy's Markets in Haymarket as the best place to pick up one of those.  Speaking of souvenirs, I was wondering if you could bring me something from your country.  I was thinking that, since Accra is famous for its colourful beads, you might wish to bring me some sort of necklace made from these beads.

Is Town Hall in Sydney convenient for you to get to?  If not, I know a great café in Lockerbie, Scotland, that might be a good alternative meeting point.  Do you know how to get to Lockerbie?

How many wives did your late husband posses?  I researched your name and there wasn't any official record of your being married to Moammar.  He was certainly an attractive man in his younger days, I can see how you were drawn to his allure.  Is it customary in your country to have such a long winded name?  Or is that only reserved for people in elite circles?  I must say I was interested in the fact that the end of your name is Frankky Williams, were you given this suffix in honour of someone from an English speaking background?  The only person of note I can think of is Frankie Williams of basketballing fame.  

It must have been hard being one of many wives of Moammar.  I can really sympathise with your situation, when I was at University, due to funding cuts, there were often too many students in lectures and tutorials and the lecturers didn't give me their undivided attention.  I imagine your personal life must have felt like this.  I saw the recent photos of your deceased husband, he certainly looked worn and weathered from the proceedings of late.  Was he really caught in a sewer?  I thought that that may have been a fabrication of the Western Media.  Can you clear that up for me please?

What sort of business would you like to invest in in Australia?  I have asked my bank to assist in a few ventures, yet to no avail, so your offer of investing together comes at a very opportune time! 

I have some ideas.  I have outlined a few below:

Timeshare holidays – I went to a presentation recently and found that if I invest around $35,000 as a one off payment and around $1,000 per year, in the long run, I’d save a fortune!  I generally spend around $300-$500 per year in my annual vacation of a few nights in a bed and breakfast on the South Coast, but I’ve often wanted for more.  With the Timeshare scheme, I can stay basically anywhere in the world, even Libya!  I think that will be a good investment.  What do you think, Ssafia Farkash Albrassi (Safia al-Gaddafi Frankkywilliams).  Gee, that’s a mouthful.  Do you mind if, from now on, I call you Ssaffy?

I have an idea for an invention I’d like to patent.  You know the ‘Snuggie’?  I’d like to invent one for Dogs, I’d like to call it the ‘Puggie’.  This would work particularly well for dogs who have been shaved for the summer and we have a cold snap like we had a few months ago.

I’ve another invention to patent, an ‘at home incontinence test’.  That has been an invention I have been wanting to develop for some time.  There are flaws in the project, I know.  One such flaw is, if you were incontinent, surely you would know, so there’d be no need for a test.  However, it’s strange some of the things people buy, I think we’ll make a mint on that one.  

Another really good way to make money is on the Poker Machines.  Did you know that more than 10% of the world’s Poker Machines are in New South Wales?  I think that’s because we’re all really clever.  I’ve developed a scheme where if I put $50 in one machine, $70 in the machine to the left of that and then $100 in the one four places to the right, I always seem to win something!  This method only works when there is a line of at least five Poker Machines.  Are there poker machines in your home country, Ssaffy?

I think we’ll make a great team.  You seem to be someone with their head screwed on properly and wise about investment choices. 

Whilst your offer of 35% of the money was very generous, I think, under the circumstances, I wouldn’t like to get involved for less than 42%.  I’m sure you understand that, being a resourceful person myself, I have had many similar offers in the last few weeks and seeing as I have to make my way to Town Hall for the exchange, I believe that adjusted figure is appropriate.  I am sure that you will make do with the 58% as Accra has a considerably lower cost of living than Sydney.

Speaking of that, did you know that bananas here sometimes cost up to $15 a kilo?  Isn’t that horrendous?

I look forward to seeing you on Sydney Town Hall Steps at midday on Sunday.  Please don’t be late.

Kind Regards,

Andy Leonard

Tax $692.24 AUD $2,381.24  Final Price Show Price Details

Kenya Airways in conjunction with Cathay Pacific (Codeshares apply) Travel Time 27 Oct from Accra Kotoka (ACC) to Sydney, NSW (SYD) via Nairobi & Hong Kong 1 flight at 8:50 PM 47h 25m 30 Oct from Sydney, NSW (SYD) to Accra Kotoka (ACC) via Bangkok & Nairobi 1 flight at 6:05 PM 29h 5m

Dear Fitness First

Dear Fitness First,

I have been coming to your fitness centres for the past five years.  In that time, I have had periods of high fitness and levels of self esteem with my gym toned body and also times of hellish fatness.  Is fatness a word?  I can’t be bothered to go to a dictionary to look it up because I’m too fat at the moment.

It’s really handy that you have so many locations and wherever I go in the world, I’m greeted by that trendy logo.  It’s becoming as recognisable as McDonalds, isn’t it?  That’s great that a logo associated with health is becoming more popular than one associated with fat, poor people in the Western Suburbs.

You’re getting so big aren’t you?  Every time I go out, it seems that new Fitness First clubs have sprung up like mushrooms.  Can you put one at the end of my street?  I really think that will provide me more inspiration to go more often.  I also think that in order for Fitness First to be a truly global company, one should never be any more than 250 metres from a Fitness First.

The gym I usually frequent is your Randwick club.  It seems that on some days, there are more people inside that club than in the rest of Randwick.  I’ve often felt that I lose weight just walking in as I am sweating from the moshpit of people at the front turnstiles.  I’ve also got many verrucas as souvenirs from the showers at the club and I cherish these, as it makes me feel part of a great big community of exercisers.  I use the verrucas as motivation to get fit sometimes, which is silly when you think about it, because, generally, more exercising at the club means more showers, more showers means more verrucas.  I suppose I could just shower at home, but the tank on our hot water system isn’t that big and, in a share apartment, we generally try to shower elsewhere to avoid having to put up with running out of water.

You’re really doing a good job with enlisting new members, I think there must be more Fitness First members in the world than Catholics now.  It’s now harder to leave and there is even more guilt associated with not going or continuing a membership than in the Catholic faith.  Well done, I’m sure the Pope would be proud.

Whilst I was in hospital in a coma recently, I had neglected to inform you that I wanted to put my membership on hold.  I was a little disappointed that you wouldn’t backdate the charges I’d paid for the nine weeks I was incapacitated both physically and mentally. However, I realise that you run a business and that you have to think of the bigger picture of expanding, not the smaller picture of one of your members unconscious in intensive care paying for a membership that he is not able to use.

I have a question for you.  What is it about exercising that makes people soil the toilets in such a despicable manner?  I’ve seen many toilets in my time and the toilets in Fitness First clubs would have to be the filthiest of any I have seen.  The methods of soiling vary.  Often there are intricate patterns made from skid marks, very often there is urine all over the seat and sometimes, as pictured below, there has been such a deposit that the toilets are blocked for quite some time.  I only speak with experience from the stalls in the male changerooms, I don’t know what lies beyond the doors of the female ones.

I’m a little concerned about the health of your patrons.  Do you think that perhaps there might be a disease going around which has caused people to defecate uncontrollably and/or in such a haphazard manner?  It would make sense.  Perhaps it may be a side effect to performance enhancing drugs.  I’m not sure what it might be, but the drugs might also cause people to just not care about their fellow exercisers.  Worse still, it may cause them to want to maliciously create inconvenience for them.  Whichever the reasoning for this happening, I’m concerned for their safety and well being.

In regards to the urine all over the seats, why do people stand to urinate in the stalls when there are urinals handily located so closeby?  I am worried that perhaps it may be a reaction to steroids and the shriveling of the male genitalia and the associated shame which goes along with that.  Sad, isn’t it?

Perhaps, since Fitness First is expanding so much, it may be time to enlist the services of a cleaner for your health clubs.  Has anyone ever thought about that?  Whilst it may be a small outlay in terms of wages, I think that word will spread that the changerooms are clean and that in itself may enlist newer members.

Hopefully some of the newer members will know the basics of communal bathroom hygiene and won’t be like the ones who use three weights machines at a time and when questioned about it, turn their large necks and look over, their biceps as wide as my waist suggesting I should leave them be.

Thanks ever so much for your time.

Kind Regards,

Andy Leonard

PS – When is the next fortnightly increase of my fees?  I haven’t had one for a few weeks and I’m assuming it must be due.

Dear Andy,

Thank you for your email.

I am sorry to hear of your recent personal circumstances and very eager to help you resolve your membership enquiry. It's great to hear you looking to get back into your health and fitness. I have tried to call on your mobile number we currently hold on your membership profile, 04** *** *** without success.

Please advise me of the most convenient contact number and a time I can call you so I can discuss the concerns you raised and help to fully resolve this for you.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Kind Regards,

Emma Horlin-Smith
Club General Manager

Pitt St Fitness First Australia

MAKING THE WORLD A FITTER PLACE

"Corporate Express Club"

175 Pitt St, Cnr of King and Pitt St Sydney NSW 2000

t: +61 (2) 9225 3920

f: +61 (2) 9223 7644

pittst@fitnessfirst.com.au

www.fitnessfirst.com.au


Emma called the next day to apologise and to offer me three months of payments to be refunded, rather than the 4 weeks they had previously offered.  She also passed on the comments about the state of the toilets and the following photo was taken at a stall in Randwick yesterday.  There's a tiny skid in there if you zoom right in, but it's a marked improvement.**

** The complimentary remarks on Fitness First were actually not paid for by Fitness First, however I would still say that it wasn't paid for if it was, so I would appear more legitimate.


UPDATE:


Three days after the last update where the toilets were kept in a satisfactory manner, this is the state of one of the stalls in Randwick Fitness First:

Any complimentary words regarding the cleanliness of Fitness First are hereby retracted.