Dear Fitness First

Dear Fitness First,

I have been coming to your fitness centres for the past five years.  In that time, I have had periods of high fitness and levels of self esteem with my gym toned body and also times of hellish fatness.  Is fatness a word?  I can’t be bothered to go to a dictionary to look it up because I’m too fat at the moment.

It’s really handy that you have so many locations and wherever I go in the world, I’m greeted by that trendy logo.  It’s becoming as recognisable as McDonalds, isn’t it?  That’s great that a logo associated with health is becoming more popular than one associated with fat, poor people in the Western Suburbs.

You’re getting so big aren’t you?  Every time I go out, it seems that new Fitness First clubs have sprung up like mushrooms.  Can you put one at the end of my street?  I really think that will provide me more inspiration to go more often.  I also think that in order for Fitness First to be a truly global company, one should never be any more than 250 metres from a Fitness First.

The gym I usually frequent is your Randwick club.  It seems that on some days, there are more people inside that club than in the rest of Randwick.  I’ve often felt that I lose weight just walking in as I am sweating from the moshpit of people at the front turnstiles.  I’ve also got many verrucas as souvenirs from the showers at the club and I cherish these, as it makes me feel part of a great big community of exercisers.  I use the verrucas as motivation to get fit sometimes, which is silly when you think about it, because, generally, more exercising at the club means more showers, more showers means more verrucas.  I suppose I could just shower at home, but the tank on our hot water system isn’t that big and, in a share apartment, we generally try to shower elsewhere to avoid having to put up with running out of water.

You’re really doing a good job with enlisting new members, I think there must be more Fitness First members in the world than Catholics now.  It’s now harder to leave and there is even more guilt associated with not going or continuing a membership than in the Catholic faith.  Well done, I’m sure the Pope would be proud.

Whilst I was in hospital in a coma recently, I had neglected to inform you that I wanted to put my membership on hold.  I was a little disappointed that you wouldn’t backdate the charges I’d paid for the nine weeks I was incapacitated both physically and mentally. However, I realise that you run a business and that you have to think of the bigger picture of expanding, not the smaller picture of one of your members unconscious in intensive care paying for a membership that he is not able to use.

I have a question for you.  What is it about exercising that makes people soil the toilets in such a despicable manner?  I’ve seen many toilets in my time and the toilets in Fitness First clubs would have to be the filthiest of any I have seen.  The methods of soiling vary.  Often there are intricate patterns made from skid marks, very often there is urine all over the seat and sometimes, as pictured below, there has been such a deposit that the toilets are blocked for quite some time.  I only speak with experience from the stalls in the male changerooms, I don’t know what lies beyond the doors of the female ones.

I’m a little concerned about the health of your patrons.  Do you think that perhaps there might be a disease going around which has caused people to defecate uncontrollably and/or in such a haphazard manner?  It would make sense.  Perhaps it may be a side effect to performance enhancing drugs.  I’m not sure what it might be, but the drugs might also cause people to just not care about their fellow exercisers.  Worse still, it may cause them to want to maliciously create inconvenience for them.  Whichever the reasoning for this happening, I’m concerned for their safety and well being.

In regards to the urine all over the seats, why do people stand to urinate in the stalls when there are urinals handily located so closeby?  I am worried that perhaps it may be a reaction to steroids and the shriveling of the male genitalia and the associated shame which goes along with that.  Sad, isn’t it?

Perhaps, since Fitness First is expanding so much, it may be time to enlist the services of a cleaner for your health clubs.  Has anyone ever thought about that?  Whilst it may be a small outlay in terms of wages, I think that word will spread that the changerooms are clean and that in itself may enlist newer members.

Hopefully some of the newer members will know the basics of communal bathroom hygiene and won’t be like the ones who use three weights machines at a time and when questioned about it, turn their large necks and look over, their biceps as wide as my waist suggesting I should leave them be.

Thanks ever so much for your time.

Kind Regards,

Andy Leonard

PS – When is the next fortnightly increase of my fees?  I haven’t had one for a few weeks and I’m assuming it must be due.

Dear Andy,

Thank you for your email.

I am sorry to hear of your recent personal circumstances and very eager to help you resolve your membership enquiry. It's great to hear you looking to get back into your health and fitness. I have tried to call on your mobile number we currently hold on your membership profile, 04** *** *** without success.

Please advise me of the most convenient contact number and a time I can call you so I can discuss the concerns you raised and help to fully resolve this for you.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Kind Regards,

Emma Horlin-Smith
Club General Manager

Pitt St Fitness First Australia

MAKING THE WORLD A FITTER PLACE

"Corporate Express Club"

175 Pitt St, Cnr of King and Pitt St Sydney NSW 2000

t: +61 (2) 9225 3920

f: +61 (2) 9223 7644

pittst@fitnessfirst.com.au

www.fitnessfirst.com.au


Emma called the next day to apologise and to offer me three months of payments to be refunded, rather than the 4 weeks they had previously offered.  She also passed on the comments about the state of the toilets and the following photo was taken at a stall in Randwick yesterday.  There's a tiny skid in there if you zoom right in, but it's a marked improvement.**

** The complimentary remarks on Fitness First were actually not paid for by Fitness First, however I would still say that it wasn't paid for if it was, so I would appear more legitimate.


UPDATE:


Three days after the last update where the toilets were kept in a satisfactory manner, this is the state of one of the stalls in Randwick Fitness First:

Any complimentary words regarding the cleanliness of Fitness First are hereby retracted.