Monday, 18 February 2013

Dear Dr. Rasmussen


04.02.2013

Dear Dr. Rasmussen,

I recently applied for your 'Artist in Residence' programme as I believe my skill set matched that of the advertised position. Unfortunately the selection committee at your University believed otherwise and I was not granted the position. I was wondering if you would be so kind as to provide me with some feedback, so I may be in a better position to attain employment at your prestigious institution.

Kind Regards,

Andy Leonard



11.02.2013

Dear Andy,

Thank you very much for your email. We were very impressed with the calibre of candidates for the Artist in Residence Programme this year, we had over sixty applicants. As we stated previously, on this occasion we are unable to offer you the position, however we encourage you to apply next year. Unfortunately, the University is unable to provide feedback to unsuccessful candidates.

We wish you all the best in your future endeavours.

All the best,

Dr. Phyllis Rasmussen
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11.02.201

Dear Dr. Rasmussen,

Please, pretty please?

Kind Regards,

Andy Leonard


15.02.2013

Dear Andy,

As I said, the University is unable to provide individual feedback. Your welcome to apply for the programme next year.

Regards,

Dr. Phyllis Rasmussen
xxxx xx xxx xxxxxxx xx xxxxxxxx xxxx
xxxxxxxxx xx xxxxxxxxx


15.02.20

Dear Dr. Rasmussen,

In your last correspondence to me, you stated that something belonging to me was welcome to apply for the next Artist in Residence Programme, however you did not state what that something was. Are you able to clarify this for me please? If you are perhaps saying that my friend 'is' welcome to apply for the programme, you omitted the 'is' and I would ask, or indeed sing to you the question 'What about me?' Or, perhaps you accidentally omitted 'Majesty' and 'is' to the sentence. I don't actually come from Regal blood, so there is no need to address me in that fashion, however I do appreciate the gesture.

Kind Regards,

Andy Leonard


18.02.2013

Andy,

You're welcome to apply next year.

Regards,

Dr. Phyllis Rasmussen
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18.02.2013

Dear Dr. Rassmussen,

I thought using proper grammar was a prerequisite to having a Doctorate.

Regards,

Andy Leonard


18.02.2013

Andy,

The earlier email I sent to you was sent from a mobile device with predictive text. I, like you it seems, have an aversion to the use of incorrect spelling and grammar, however the day I replied to your email was a very busy one and I responded in a hurry. As I am sure you can appreciate, my job is very demanding and I am often faced with multiple emails to respond in a very short amount of time. I am sorry that I responded to your email without checking if my spelling was correct.

Regards,

Dr. Phyllis Rasmussen
xxxx xx xxx xxxxxxx xx xxxxxxxx xxxx
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18.02.2013

Dear Phyllis,

Since you stated that you replied to my earlier email 'in a hurry', surely it can be assumed that you read my application, which, might I add, was ninety pages long, 'in a hurry' also. Therefore, it would be assumed that the whole selection process of the 'Artist in Residency' programme is a sham.

I am resubmitting my application(attached) and would like the committee to reconsider employing me as its Artist in Residence programme as the selection process is so obviously flawed.

I assume that you would not like Deans of other faculties to know of your incorrect use of spelling, the lack of the apostrophe where needed and your obvious neglect due to poor time management.

If you would like the other Deans to not be made aware of these faults, I would respectfully request that you address me with the prefix of 'Grandmaster'.

Kind Regards,

Grandmaster Andy Leonard


18.02.201

Andy,

I will not respond again as I don't believe you are taking this exchange seriously.

Regards,

Dr. Phyllis Rasmussen
xxxx xx xxx xxxxxxx xx xxxxxxxx xxxx
xxxxxxxxx xx xxxxxxxxx


18.02.20

Dear Phyllis,

Are there any other vacancies in the faculty?

I can cook risotto (from rice and a pan, not from a packet!), write award winning Haiku and I've come first in every Egg and Spoon race I have ever entered. Surely that must count for something.

I appreciate your time and I look forward to hearing from you soon,

Kind Regards,

Andy Leonard



Note:
The name of the Doctor has been changed for this blog and their position is not disclosed. Call me a pussy, whatever.

Thursday, 13 September 2012

Dear Crazy Domains


Dear Crazy Domains,

I am writing to congratulate you on your superb choice of name.  Never have I found a company with such an apt choice of name.  Which advertising house came up with that name?  Please let me know which one so I can write to them as well and congratulate them on their stunning work.

On Tuesday, the 11th of September, your service, as you may remember, was unavailable for over eight hours.  My website was unavailable and I had no access to emails either in a receiving or sending capacity.  I rang your support line numerous times and was puzzled to realise it was unattended.  I would have thought that on a day where your service became inactive for such a long amount of time, you would have thought to perhaps leave a message to explain what was going on.  Then I realised that you were, indeed, staying true to your name and were indeed showing what a ‘Crazy’ bunch of people you are.

I then found another reason as to the selection of your name.  It was I who was the ‘Crazy’ one, who had gone to your service, for I must be ‘Crazy’ to invest my time, contacts and business into a company which can and does, at any time, stop functioning for an unspecified amount of time.

When I didn’t get a response by telephone, email or twitter, I began to suspect something a little more sinister may have happened to your system.

There are many conspiracy theories going around about internet security and I have a question for you which I’ll just ask you outright.

We have seen, on the news, in the last few days, the reactions worldwide regarding an American film portraying the prophet Mohammad in a negative fashion and the associated backlash around the world.

Is this somehow related?  Were your servers hijacked by terrorist organisations from either side of that debate?

I’m asking you this because a day before your server crashed, I sent an email to a colleague containing a news article about a riot in Cairo.  Have I done something wrong?  If it was my fault, I apologise profusely.

I thought of other organisations who may have a hand in cyber terrorism and all the signs pointed back to me.  I trawled through my emails and here are some examples of what I found.

31st of August, 2012
‘…Gee, had I have known that she was going to react that way, I wouldn’t have told Ira about you and Zac’.  This could easily have been interpreted as Jihad.

1st of September, 2012
Ira has gone completely nuts, you really should sort out that mess’.  My friend’s name, Ira, particularly when referred to as ‘going nuts’, could be implied to be the Irish Republican Army.

3rd of September, 2012
‘Ben, can you just give me your ETA?  I don’t want to be stuck talking to Ira for too long.’  This email has implied that I am a member of the Basque Separatist Group, ETA.

5th of September, 2012
Fark, can you just come?  I REALLY don’t want to talk to Ira.’  In this instance, I had changed the spelling of a commonly used expletive to ensure politeness, but it could implicate me in organising with the South American group FARC.

8th of September, 2012
‘Do you like the hexagonal ring which Zac gave you?’ … ‘We should all go bowling, there’s that place in Lakemba to celebrate Ira moving away’ … Whilst these sentences were in different paragaphs, they were in the same email and the coding could be taken to mean heZbola, an incorrect spelling of Hezbollah.

Can you see the correlations in my emails with the incorrect labelling of myself being involved in terrorist organisations to be responsible for the outage of your systems on Tuesday?

I would really like to plead my case well, I don’t like the thought of Guantanamo Bay at all.  Can I count on Crazy Domains as someone to help me out of this mess?

I’m worried and every time there is a knock on the door, I envisage Tactical Response Group officers running through my apartment to take me away.  It is a strange fear, mind you; I’d imagine that TRG officers wouldn’t find the need to knock, would you?

Once again, I apologise for causing the outage, I’ll be more careful in future and I will scan my emails more carefully, making sure that there are no sentences that could be interpreted as terrorist coding in any way.

I’d still like to take the opportunity to suggest that it’s a good idea to answer your phones when your system has been down for that length of time as having them unattended can lead to panic, particularly when terrorism is involved.

Kind Regards,

Andy Leonard



Tuesday, 8 November 2011

Dear Andrew Lloyd Webber


Dear Andrew Lloyd Webber,

Am I to address you as Sir, Lord, or just Andy?  I’m never sure how to greet people who have had so many symbolic accolades, such as yourself.  If I were to meet you, should I curtsy?  Or is that just too over the top?

I’d like to congratulate you on your contribution to modern musical theatre.  I find your musicals to be generally poignant and relevant to the general community.  I find the music of your productions to be so catchy, I can never get some of the tunes out of my head.  I admit, I’ve cussed your name sometimes when I’m trying to concentrate and all I can hear is the theme from Starlight Express.  Who’d have thought a musical about a toy train set coming to life could be the one of the longest running shows on the West End?  It’s great to see that you’ve always tackled really important issues. 

As a small child, when I first started listening to your musicals, I used to perform your songs at the top of my voice constantly, so much so that I was actually banned from singing any of your tunes in my house, my school and the local supermarket.

As an adolescent, I gained a newfound love of your work by making up alternative lyrics to the songs.  One example was those of ‘Don’t Cry For Me, Argentina’. 

Don’t cry for me, I’ve got tinea,
My feet are old and smelly
I ran so far to
Sit beside you.
I’ll take my shoes off,
Please keep your distance.

As teenage nerdish musically minded children, we found our lyric augmentation absolutely hilarious.

Looking back on lyrics like those now, I see why I haven’t pursued a career in writing Broadway Musicals, but rewriting your lyrics certainly provided some great times during school.

I imagine what it must have been like for yourself at school, listening to songs such as Puccini’s ‘Quello Ché taceta’ from ‘La fanciulla Del West’ and thinking about alternative lyrics for them.  Unlike us, as suburban Australian schoolkids who found enough artistic inspiration with toilet humour and songs about feet, you thought it apt to adapt songs into musicals based on other people’s books.  I went to the Phantom of The Opera in Melbourne in 1993 and still have nightmares about the falling Chandelier, but I am so impressed that you managed to adapt such a lovely tune and make it so haunting.

I was thinking perhaps of some other Classical pieces which you might consider turning into a musical.

I thought about Mozart’s ‘A Little Night Music’, perhaps you could coin some lyrics and write a musical about the Taliban.  I know, that sounds absolutely ridiculous, but surely people may have thought that about turning the theme from Mendellsohn’s Violin Concerto into a song sung by a Mary Magdalene in Jesus Christ Superstar.  So, you never know, it may just work!

Remember Stevie Wonder’s ‘Sir Duke’?  Perhaps that would be a fantastic theme to a musical written about Stockbrokers in the 2008 Financial Crisis.  Hear me out, Andy, I can just imagine you saying ‘No, dear God, that shall never work’, but thirty years ago, if one were listening to Ravel’s ‘Bolero’, one would never suspect a song from a wistful cat would do so well, but look, it has!  I think you need to think outside the square a little.

When Ray Repp tried to sue you regarding the tune from his 1978 ‘hit’, ‘Till You’ for the title song of ‘The Phantom of the Opera’, I was glad that your mighty legal team quashed his silly little voice.  Ray Repp is famous for being a voice for the Catholic faith and his sooking and whingeing has done no favours for Catholocism in my mind.  I mean, who really was going to listen to that folky crap anyway, when we can be immersed in a story about a beautiful singer lurking around under a theatre with a hideous man in a mask?  No one, I think you’ll find the answer.

I find all the allegations of plagiarism a little harsh.  I remember many times waking up and thinking of the most brilliant tune in my sleep, writing down the notes, only to realise around 2pm that, in fact, someone had already written that tune and I had psychosomatically imagined that work as my own in my sleep.  Some of the tunes I had come up with in my sleep, which I later realised to be attributed to others include:

The Locomotion
Black or White
1812 Overture
Come As You Are
Carmina Burana
Bad Romance
The William Tell Theme

The last one I think was also attributed to it being the theme for the Pizza Hut ad as well, how could they have butchered such a lovely tune?  Why, I ask you Sir Lord Andy Lloyd Webber, why?

What I wanted to ask was with your work, do you set out to borrow tunes from other performances, or has that occurred subconsciously, or even coincidentally?  I thought you may have actually been a pioneer in sampling; if it’s good enough for Jay-Z, it’s good enough for Our Sir Lloyd Webber, you know what I’m sayin’ ALW?  Oops, sorry, I began speaking like Jay-Z for a moment, sorry.

Anyway, I’m looking forward to seeing ‘Love Never Dies’.  Can you send me some tickets to the Sydney season?  It’s on now, I think.

Many thanks,

Andy Leonard



Saturday, 29 October 2011

Dear Fratelli Paradiso


Dear all at Fratelli,

A few weeks ago, my friend and I were walking past your establishment whilst looking for a place to have a coffee and some wine before going to the theatre.  I had always liked your supermarkets as they reminded me of my time I lived in Italy, some of the products, whilst 2-4 times the price, were a little bit similar to the products I found in Italy.

When we entered the café, we were greeted by a friendly waiter.  We informed him, since we were off to see a play down the road, we only had time for coffees and a glass of wine.  The waiter said that was fine and sat us at a table on your terrace.  We were the only patrons seated, I'm not sure how many people the terrace sits, I'd assume around 25.

After about 5 minutes of waiting for our beverages, a snooty woman with long dark hair with a European accent informed us that since we were not eating, she would have to save our table for the possibility of potential customers who may, perhaps, wish to dine at the same time.

Myself and my friend were dumbfounded, we thought that since the café was empty and that the waiter had taken our order, we would receive and pay for our refreshments.

We left the restaurant, vowing never to return to an establishment which could employ someone so gruff, rude and who obviously didn't care for the reputation of the Fratelli brand.

Afterwards, I had a thought.  Perhaps the snooty woman with the long dark hair and the European accent was seeing something we were not seeing.  Has it occurred to you that perhaps you may have employed someone very special to manage your restaurant?  By 'special', I mean actually gifted and not 'special', as intellectually different.

As I had said earlier, it seems that your café would have accommodated around 25 people on the terrace, yet we were the only ones appearing to be sitting there.  There must have been at least 23 deceased people who your employee was seeing.  

I have seen such films at 'The Sixth Sense' and 'The Others', I understand that some dead people do not wish to share their houses, or seats, with the living.  However, since restaurant rent in Sydney is so incredibly high, perhaps you might wish to speak to your employee about the possibility of speaking with these souls and asking for them to share their seats with your patrons.  Perhaps she could ask the dead to only come out to dine outside of your trading hours.

I for one have many questions to ask the dead.  I have often wondered about Juanita Neilson and what really happened in 1975 when she went missing.  We all assume that she was murdered due to her open criticism of the Victoria Point Development, but I'd love to know the circumstances surrounding the incident.

The Kings Cross area has seen a lot of colourful people in its chequered and vibrant past, I can only imagine what some of these people were saying to your employee.  I was thinking that it may be a good marketing tool for your establishment.  I know that people would come from afar to hear stories of the dead from real life characters of 'Underbelly Razor', for example.  Do you think that this would be a good venture to embark on?  I think it would be, especially since you haven't really cornered the market with 'friendly service', I think this sort of gimmick would do wonders for business!

The only other explanation I can fathom is that your employee was not in fact a medium, but just maniacally insane and had tricked herself into thinking that the café was full when it was empty.

Thanks for taking the time to read this letter,

Kind Regards,

Andy Leonard

Sunday, 23 October 2011

Dear Ssafia Farkash Albrassi (Safia al-Gaddafi Frankkywilliams)

Sir,
 
How are you doing today with work and family? Hope all is well? Please
be assured that this proposal is confidential and genuine. My name is
Ssafia Farkash Albrassi (Safia al-Gaddafi), one of the wives of
Muammar Gadhafi.
 
We all are aware of the current crisis in my country, Libya. Due to
this crisis many assets and money belonging to Col. Gadhafis family
and government officials are being frozen by western government, as
you can see on the following links:-
  
http://www.reuters.com/article/2011/03/09/us-libya-austria-assets-idUSTRE7284TE20110309
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/feb/27/gaddafi-family-assets-frozen-queen
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4WCp5rxNa1k
 
We have lost a lot and are losing many on a daily basis I need your
help to secure some of these funds because these are had earned money
and not stolen money, most of these money are by contracts executed by
the family. Examples are - BPs $900m 2007 Libyan oil exploration
contract, Owns shares in Juventus football club, Italian oil gian Eni,
and Pearson, the parent company of Penguin and the Financial Times,
Has had dealings with numerous Western financial institutions,
including Goldman Sachs, JP Morgan Chase and the Carlyle Group.
 
Due to the fear of our assets freeze, I have been able to move some
money to through security means as consignment and deposited it into a
security house in Accra Ghana, where I registered them as personal
effect. Two consignments with the sum of US$25,000,000.00 in each are
safe and now, I want you to help me receive one. I want to come over
there to start a new life. I am very sick of these wars. People are
dying every day. I am offering 35% and you will also help me invest
65% of my share into any lucrative business in your country, where
your government will not take much taxes from it, if you can, but if
not please keep it safe for me until everything goes quiet.
 
Please delete this letter if you happen not to be interested in this
and do not inform anyone about it. I am in refuge camp in
Algeria.Please ensure you get back to my Lawyer immediately.
 
Yours Sincerely,
 
Ssafia Farkash Albrassi (Safia al-Gaddafi Frankkywilliams)
 






Dear Ssafia Farkash Albrassi (Safia al-Gaddafi Frankkywilliams),

First of all, let me take the opportunity to thank you for singling me out in choosing me with your business proposal.  

I would also like to express my condolences over your late husband and any other family members who may have been caught up in the recent troubles in your country.  He was a good man and I am sure he will be remembered well for the services to your country.


I am doing well thank you, my family and work are doing quite well.  Whilst I was quite sick up to about a month ago, having had a cardiac arrest, subsequent coma and surgery with an implantable cardiac defribulator, due to a rare disease called Brugada Syndrome, I am now doing quite well.  Thank you for your interest in my personal affairs.  How are you doing at the moment? I hope that you are doing well now, under the circumstances.

I had always been fascinated by your country.  As a young boy, when we were learning all the different flags of the world at school, I often came across the (former) majestic green flag of Libya and often thought that the flag had been unfinished, that it was waiting for something to be drawn on.  I still liked the flag, however, perhaps it reminded me of the fact that it was still a work in progress.  The new flag is quite nice too.

I also completely sympathise with you in the potential loss of $900 000 000 of hard earned money.  I have worked very hard in my life and, some years, despite lots of effort, I earn only around $60 000.  I imagine that the work you must have done to make that sort of money would be fifteen thousand times more labour intensive than what I had done in order to make that sort of money.

You mentioned that you didn't think that taxes in my country would be high enough to deter you from investing here.  I will have a talk to the Australian Taxation Department and ask them about that.  The only thing which may be a problem is, seeing as though you earned $900 000 000, it may put you in the highest taxation bracket.  It might not, I'll have to check and get back to you.

I read with interest that you have a financial interest in Juventus, that is really fantastic.  I have family from the Piedmont region of Italy from where the Juventus team is from, isn't that a coincidence?  I think that is definitely a sign that we should be in business together!

Where would you like to meet in order to exchange the $900 000 000?  I was thinking somewhere halfway.  I live in Coogee, which is in the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney, whilst the area is well connected with many convenient bus routes, I do find it a little tedious to match up the connections to get to the airport.  Since you'll be coming from Accra, you'll be getting an aeroplane anyway, so you may as well get to Sydney International Airport and take the connecting train to Town Hall Station.  I will meet you there at 12.00 midday on Sunday, 30th of October.  I will be able to get the M50 all the way there, so both of us are happy and neither are inconvenienced.  Seeing as though I do not have a recent photograph of you, I won't know how to recognise you.  With that in mind, I'd like you to wear a banana suit.  Bananas are so expensive at the moment and are seen as a luxury, therefore, dressing as bananas in my country is not uncommon, as it shows that you are a wealthy person who deserves respect.  I have included a link below of a costume I thought may be appropriate, however, if this doesn't suit, any full length banana costume will suffice.  


I will be wearing a grey business suit, you should be able to recognise me.  When you see me, I'd love it if you could perform the Macarena very very loudly.  It's imperative that I don't get you confused with anyone else in banana costumes.  As I said, bananas are very popular here at the moment and everyone just wants to wear them.  How is your singing voice?  I think if you do the hand movements with great vigour, I should be able to recognise you.  The banana suit should cost $25, perhaps allow another $15 for shipping and the flight, including taxes is $2,381.24.  The ticket from the airport on the train is $15.80.  Please feel welcome to take those expenses out of the $900 000 000, we can divide up the remaining $899 997 577.96 accordingly.  I was considering asking you to take out some money for a hostel for the evening, but the weather has been so nice of late, if you're anything like your late husband I'm sure you'd prefer a tent which you'll be more than welcome to pitch in one of Sydney's many lovely parks.

Whilst in Sydney, I'd love to suggest some of its sights in your time before coming to meet me on Sunday.  The Harbour Bridge and Opera House area of the Rocks is a lovely place, you may wish to purchase a didgeridoo as a souvenir of your stay here, I'd recommend Paddy's Markets in Haymarket as the best place to pick up one of those.  Speaking of souvenirs, I was wondering if you could bring me something from your country.  I was thinking that, since Accra is famous for its colourful beads, you might wish to bring me some sort of necklace made from these beads.

Is Town Hall in Sydney convenient for you to get to?  If not, I know a great café in Lockerbie, Scotland, that might be a good alternative meeting point.  Do you know how to get to Lockerbie?

How many wives did your late husband posses?  I researched your name and there wasn't any official record of your being married to Moammar.  He was certainly an attractive man in his younger days, I can see how you were drawn to his allure.  Is it customary in your country to have such a long winded name?  Or is that only reserved for people in elite circles?  I must say I was interested in the fact that the end of your name is Frankky Williams, were you given this suffix in honour of someone from an English speaking background?  The only person of note I can think of is Frankie Williams of basketballing fame.  

It must have been hard being one of many wives of Moammar.  I can really sympathise with your situation, when I was at University, due to funding cuts, there were often too many students in lectures and tutorials and the lecturers didn't give me their undivided attention.  I imagine your personal life must have felt like this.  I saw the recent photos of your deceased husband, he certainly looked worn and weathered from the proceedings of late.  Was he really caught in a sewer?  I thought that that may have been a fabrication of the Western Media.  Can you clear that up for me please?

What sort of business would you like to invest in in Australia?  I have asked my bank to assist in a few ventures, yet to no avail, so your offer of investing together comes at a very opportune time! 

I have some ideas.  I have outlined a few below:

Timeshare holidays – I went to a presentation recently and found that if I invest around $35,000 as a one off payment and around $1,000 per year, in the long run, I’d save a fortune!  I generally spend around $300-$500 per year in my annual vacation of a few nights in a bed and breakfast on the South Coast, but I’ve often wanted for more.  With the Timeshare scheme, I can stay basically anywhere in the world, even Libya!  I think that will be a good investment.  What do you think, Ssafia Farkash Albrassi (Safia al-Gaddafi Frankkywilliams).  Gee, that’s a mouthful.  Do you mind if, from now on, I call you Ssaffy?

I have an idea for an invention I’d like to patent.  You know the ‘Snuggie’?  I’d like to invent one for Dogs, I’d like to call it the ‘Puggie’.  This would work particularly well for dogs who have been shaved for the summer and we have a cold snap like we had a few months ago.

I’ve another invention to patent, an ‘at home incontinence test’.  That has been an invention I have been wanting to develop for some time.  There are flaws in the project, I know.  One such flaw is, if you were incontinent, surely you would know, so there’d be no need for a test.  However, it’s strange some of the things people buy, I think we’ll make a mint on that one.  

Another really good way to make money is on the Poker Machines.  Did you know that more than 10% of the world’s Poker Machines are in New South Wales?  I think that’s because we’re all really clever.  I’ve developed a scheme where if I put $50 in one machine, $70 in the machine to the left of that and then $100 in the one four places to the right, I always seem to win something!  This method only works when there is a line of at least five Poker Machines.  Are there poker machines in your home country, Ssaffy?

I think we’ll make a great team.  You seem to be someone with their head screwed on properly and wise about investment choices. 

Whilst your offer of 35% of the money was very generous, I think, under the circumstances, I wouldn’t like to get involved for less than 42%.  I’m sure you understand that, being a resourceful person myself, I have had many similar offers in the last few weeks and seeing as I have to make my way to Town Hall for the exchange, I believe that adjusted figure is appropriate.  I am sure that you will make do with the 58% as Accra has a considerably lower cost of living than Sydney.

Speaking of that, did you know that bananas here sometimes cost up to $15 a kilo?  Isn’t that horrendous?

I look forward to seeing you on Sydney Town Hall Steps at midday on Sunday.  Please don’t be late.

Kind Regards,

Andy Leonard

Tax$692.24
AUD $2,381.24 
Final Price


Kenya Airways in conjunction with Cathay Pacific (Codeshares apply)
Travel Time
27 Octfrom Accra Kotoka (ACC) to Sydney, NSW (SYD) via Nairobi & Hong Kong1 flight at 8:50 PM47h 25m
30 Octfrom Sydney, NSW (SYD) to Accra Kotoka (ACC) via Bangkok & Nairobi1 flight at 6:05 PM29h 5m


Saturday, 15 October 2011

Dear Fitness First

Dear Fitness First,

I have been coming to your fitness centres for the past five years.  In that time, I have had periods of high fitness and levels of self esteem with my gym toned body and also times of hellish fatness.  Is fatness a word?  I can’t be bothered to go to a dictionary to look it up because I’m too fat at the moment.

It’s really handy that you have so many locations and wherever I go in the world, I’m greeted by that trendy logo.  It’s becoming as recognisable as McDonalds, isn’t it?  That’s great that a logo associated with health is becoming more popular than one associated with fat, poor people in the Western Suburbs.

You’re getting so big aren’t you?  Every time I go out, it seems that new Fitness First clubs have sprung up like mushrooms.  Can you put one at the end of my street?  I really think that will provide me more inspiration to go more often.  I also think that in order for Fitness First to be a truly global company, one should never be any more than 250 metres from a Fitness First.

The gym I usually frequent is your Randwick club.  It seems that on some days, there are more people inside that club than in the rest of Randwick.  I’ve often felt that I lose weight just walking in as I am sweating from the moshpit of people at the front turnstiles.  I’ve also got many verrucas as souvenirs from the showers at the club and I cherish these, as it makes me feel part of a great big community of exercisers.  I use the verrucas as motivation to get fit sometimes, which is silly when you think about it, because, generally, more exercising at the club means more showers, more showers means more verrucas.  I suppose I could just shower at home, but the tank on our hot water system isn’t that big and, in a share apartment, we generally try to shower elsewhere to avoid having to put up with running out of water.

You’re really doing a good job with enlisting new members, I think there must be more Fitness First members in the world than Catholics now.  It’s now harder to leave and there is even more guilt associated with not going or continuing a membership than in the Catholic faith.  Well done, I’m sure the Pope would be proud.

Whilst I was in hospital in a coma recently, I had neglected to inform you that I wanted to put my membership on hold.  I was a little disappointed that you wouldn’t backdate the charges I’d paid for the nine weeks I was incapacitated both physically and mentally. However, I realise that you run a business and that you have to think of the bigger picture of expanding, not the smaller picture of one of your members unconscious in intensive care paying for a membership that he is not able to use.

I have a question for you.  What is it about exercising that makes people soil the toilets in such a despicable manner?  I’ve seen many toilets in my time and the toilets in Fitness First clubs would have to be the filthiest of any I have seen.  The methods of soiling vary.  Often there are intricate patterns made from skid marks, very often there is urine all over the seat and sometimes, as pictured below, there has been such a deposit that the toilets are blocked for quite some time.  I only speak with experience from the stalls in the male changerooms, I don’t know what lies beyond the doors of the female ones.

I’m a little concerned about the health of your patrons.  Do you think that perhaps there might be a disease going around which has caused people to defecate uncontrollably and/or in such a haphazard manner?  It would make sense.  Perhaps it may be a side effect to performance enhancing drugs.  I’m not sure what it might be, but the drugs might also cause people to just not care about their fellow exercisers.  Worse still, it may cause them to want to maliciously create inconvenience for them.  Whichever the reasoning for this happening, I’m concerned for their safety and well being.

In regards to the urine all over the seats, why do people stand to urinate in the stalls when there are urinals handily located so closeby?  I am worried that perhaps it may be a reaction to steroids and the shriveling of the male genitalia and the associated shame which goes along with that.  Sad, isn’t it?

Perhaps, since Fitness First is expanding so much, it may be time to enlist the services of a cleaner for your health clubs.  Has anyone ever thought about that?  Whilst it may be a small outlay in terms of wages, I think that word will spread that the changerooms are clean and that in itself may enlist newer members.

Hopefully some of the newer members will know the basics of communal bathroom hygiene and won’t be like the ones who use three weights machines at a time and when questioned about it, turn their large necks and look over, their biceps as wide as my waist suggesting I should leave them be.

Thanks ever so much for your time.

Kind Regards,



Andy Leonard

PS – When is the next fortnightly increase of my fees?  I haven’t had one for a few weeks and I’m assuming it must be due.





Dear Andy,

Thank you for your email.

I am sorry to hear of your recent personal circumstances and very eager to help you resolve your membership enquiry. It's great to hear you looking to get back into your health and fitness. I have tried to call on your mobile number we currently hold on your membership profile, 04** *** *** without success.

Please advise me of the most convenient contact number and a time I can call you so I can discuss the concerns you raised and help to fully resolve this for you.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Kind Regards,

Emma Horlin-Smith
Club General Manager

Pitt St Fitness First Australia

MAKING THE WORLD A FITTER PLACE

"Corporate Express Club"

175 Pitt St, Cnr of King and Pitt St Sydney NSW 2000

t: +61 (2) 9225 3920

f: +61 (2) 9223 7644

pittst@fitnessfirst.com.au

www.fitnessfirst.com.au



Emma called the next day to apologise and to offer me three months of payments to be refunded, rather than the 4 weeks they had previously offered.  She also passed on the comments about the state of the toilets and the following photo was taken at a stall in Randwick yesterday.  There's a tiny skid in there if you zoom right in, but it's a marked improvement.**


** The complimentary remarks on Fitness First were actually not paid for by Fitness First, however I would still say that it wasn't paid for if it was, so I would appear more legitimate.


UPDATE:


Three days after the last update where the toilets were kept in a satisfactory manner, this is the state of one of the stalls in Randwick Fitness First:




Any complimentary words regarding the cleanliness of Fitness First are hereby retracted.

Thursday, 29 September 2011

Dear David Jones Food Hall


The Food Hall Manager
David Jones
500 Oxford Street
Bondi Junction, NSW 2022

 Dear David Jones Food Hall,

I really think there is no other store like David Jones, I love walking around the store and looking at all the items I can’t really afford.  The other day I saw a doona cover set for $3200.  It really was a beautiful set, but I was left wondering if I should spend the same amount on sheets as I could spend on a car; not necessarily a nice car, I know, but a car, nonetheless.  The overpriced items really make me aspire to greater things in life.  I’m sure that one day I’ll be able to afford that doona cover set.

I go to the DJ's Food Hall in Bondi Junction on a very regular basis. Whilst I've found the food, too, is exorbitantly priced, it is convenient for me to go there. I've generally found the staff generally nice, if not a little snooty.  I’ve often wondered why the cashiers move at such a glacial pace.  Are they trained to take their time to bring a sense of calm to the customers?  It doesn’t work.

What I'd like to complain about though are the Meatballs. I'm on a carbo-lite diet, I went to purchase some meat balls today from the food court and to my horror, as I'd eaten the fourth ball, I noticed that they contained rice!

This has completely stuffed up my diet now. I'm left feeling concerned, confused and even a little deceived. If they contain rice, shouldn’t it be listed on the sign?

What if I'd been allergic to the product? The meatballs have left me fat, but I could have been left for dead!

Luckily, I didn’t die.  However I have come down with a shocking case of the runs.  I have gone through in my head all the items of food ingested in the last 24 hours.  I have outlined them in a list below:

1.    A tablespoon of Jalna ‘Greek Style’ Yoghurt and a glass of sparkling mineral water.
2.    A Granny Smith Apple and half a banana*.
3.    A small can of Heinz baked beans on a piece of ‘Women’s Wellbeing’ Burgen Bread**
4.    8 dates.
5.    A glass of Prune Juice.  Ocean Spray, I believe the brand was, but I can’t be too sure on that one.  Do you remember the advertisement for that brand?  I remember the old American guy on that ad.  The ad didn’t really say anything about the product, only to go out and buy it.  It was around the same time as that lady with the slicked back hair and the affected voice on the David Jones advertisments.  She didn’t say much about your stores either, apart from ‘Why shop anywhere else?’.  It’s funny how ads from our childhood, no matter how unimaginative, naff and uninformative they are, manage to stick in our heads and we still rush out to support them.
6.    A piece of leg ham and a slice of Mozzarella cheese.
7.    18 Ford Pills.
8.    Four David Jones Meatballs.***
9.    2 Fenphedrine tablet.
10.         Half a kilogram of steamed Bok Choy.
11.         1 Apidextra tablet.
12.         A glass of water with 3 heaped tablespoons of Metamucil (Orange Flavour).
13.         1 Noxycut tablet.
14.         1 Ambislim tablet.
15.         35 grams of steamed chicken.

As you can see, there is nothing else in my diet which could have caused an upset stomach, so I am putting the experience down to the Meatballs.

David Jones has built a reputation of being at the forefront of quality.  I’m a bit cranky that my diet has been completely ruined by your lying Meatballs.

Can you send me something to alleviate my mood?  Preferably something low sugar, low fat, low in carbs, but still something tasty.  If nothing matches those criteria, perhaps you could just send me a doona cover set.  I’ve a nice one picked already.

Kind Regards,

Andy Leonard



*  I would have had a whole banana, however the price of bananas currently are around $12 a kilo, even more in your stores.

**  I realise that a slice of ‘Women’s Wellbeing’ Burgen bread contains carbs, however, this was my one serve of complex carbohydrates for the day.

***  May I suggest a name change to ‘Meat and Rice Balls’?