Dear Burgen Bread

Submitted via www.burgen.com.au

Dear all at Burgen Breads,

I have been a longstanding customer, often buying your products as I love the moist feeling of he grains, I love the flavoursome goodness, I love the quirky Scandinavian feeling of homeliness which your bread brings.  I also like the look of the bread on my benchtops.  Being that your loaves cost upwards of $5 a loaf, I feel good about myself knowing that I can afford such lovely bread instead of cheap and tacky $3 loaves from the local bakery.

I’ve a friend ‘Jennifer’ who has posed with a loaf I recently bought.  Look at that little face, she’s disappointed.  I’m disappointed.  We were both very disappointed.

All through the loaf was an 6cm diametre hole.  The hole went through every slice.

My only possible explanation for the issue is that the bread has been attacked by rodents, or probably one particularly hungry rodent.

I completely understand the rodent’s point of view, I’m sure that he loves the feeling of the grains, the flavoursome goodness and the quirky Scandinavian feeling of homeliness your bread brings.

What I don’t particularly appreciate is the fact that I was still charged the same for this loaf, after said rodent enjoyed his hearty meal.

Is it also perhaps a safety issue as well?  I’ve heard that rodents can occasionally carry disease, I read about such occurrences with the Bubonic Plague, for instance.  Whether knowingly or not, the rodent has put myself and Jennifer in danger of contracting such an illness.  I can’t get the haunting sounds of ‘Bring Out Your Dead!’ out of my head.  These words are rattling around in my head in a 14th Century Cockney accent.  I often wonder how we know what a 14th Century Cockney accent sounds like, they didn't have any methods of audio recording then, did they?  My, we've come a long way since then, haven't we?

When I first opened the bread, I was quite amused.  When I was a little boy, my grandparents used to make me a breakfast called ‘A Toad in the Hole’, where one would cut a small circle out of a slice of bread, crack an egg in the middle, fry the bread with the egg on both sides and then have a hearty breakfast.  I must say though, my favourite as a child was the ‘hole’, or circular piece of bread.  That wouldn’t have been an option with this loaf of bread.

I don’t know what to do about the bread, I ate a few slices before the prospect of Plague entered my mind.  Should I be worried?  Have you had instances of Bubonic Plague as a direct result of your bread before?  I’m worried.  Jennifer’s worried.  We’re both worried.

Please let me know how you would like me to proceed in terms of further information regarding the bread and what can be done to compensate us for our pain, suffering, shock and inconvenience from this plague strewn bread which we have bought from you.

On another matter, I love your Soy and Linseed ‘Women’s Wellbeing’ bread.  I can’t get enough of it.  I love the moist chewy texture, I love the grains which are hard enough to give a bit of bite, yet soft enough to go down my throat in a smooth fashion.  I have it for breakfast, I have it for lunch, I have it for snacks.  I have a question which is worrying me.  Am I in danger of growing breasts because of my love and frequent consumption of this bread?  I think breasts are great, but they just wouldn’t go with my body.  Have you had instances of men growing breasts as a direct result of your bread before?

Have you ever considered having a bread called ‘Men’s Wellbeing’ bread?  I think it would be a great idea.  I made a new label for the ‘Women’s Wellbeing’ bread and adhered it to the packet so unexpected houseguests would see, if they looked in my pantry, that I am using the bread which is assigned to my gender.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m a pretty hip guy, my views are quite forward, quite modern, but I don’t necessarily want people to think that I am going through some sort of gender realignment.  I don’t have any problem whatsoever with people going through any sort of transformation as such, but it just isn’t for me.  I’m worried about the breasts.  Can you confirm that there’s no danger of that happening?  If you take up my suggestion of making the ‘Men’s Wellbeing’ bread, can you make sure that it tastes exactly the same as the Women’s one?

Thanks in advance,

Kind Regards,

Andy Leonard