Dear Suncorp

Suncorp

PO Box 1453

Brisbane QLD 4001

Dear Suncorp Metway,

How is the weather up there?  I hope it’s better than here, this weekend has been dreadful, cold and wet.

I refer to your recent letter, asking if I would like to increase my credit with your institution.  I very much appreciate the offer, but I’d like to draw your attention to a few things before signing up to the increase.

Over the past four years, I have applied and have been approved for fourteen credit cards.  I take advantage of the interest free or low interest periods of balance transfers.  I figure, why pay 19.9% interest, when I can get another credit card and have between zero and 2% interest?  These offers, as I’m sure you know, only last between 6 and 12 months, so I’m forever juggling the debt and applying for new credit cards so I can receive the benefits of having a loan without paying any interest.  Of course, I know to never use the credit cards in question to actually purchase anything as that kind of activity can lead to further fees and higher rates as cards with low balance transfer rates generally have a plethora of other ways to nab your money if you try and use them. 

So, I’m admitting it, I go into these low to zero interest periods with the full intention of getting rid of the card after the interest free period.  Yeah, I’m using and abusing the banks, but I figure they’d do the same to me, given half the chance, wouldn’t they?

I worked it out recently and the combined total of the credit available on my cards and have realised that my available credit is one and a half times that of my annual salary.  How did that happen?

I am sure that banks such as yours work under strict ethical guidelines where you would not offer credit to someone who could not afford to pay the money back. With that in mind, what I was going to suggest was perhaps I could use the credit which you’d like to offer me to invest in a few schemes which will be a sure fire way to get me out of the financial hole which is my debt crisis.

I’d like to take up your offer of an increase of my card to $14,000 and take a cash advance on the entire balance so I can fund a few opportunities.

The opportunities I have in mind are as follows:

1.    Timeshare holidays – I went to a presentation recently and found that if I invest around $35,000 as a one off payment and around $1,000 per year, in the long run, I’d save a fortune!  I generally spend around $300-$500 per year in my annual vacation of a few nights in a bed and breakfast on the South Coast, but I’ve often wanted for more.  With the Timeshare scheme, I can stay basically anywhere in the world, even Bali!  I think that will be a good investment.

2.    I have an idea for an invention I’d like to patent.  You know the ‘Snuggie’?  I’d like to invent one for Dogs, I’d like to call it the ‘Puggie’.  This would work particularly well for dogs who have been shaved for the summer and we have a cold snap like we’ve just had now.

3.    I want to pick up some Greek government bonds, I’m sure their economy will pick up, I mean they invented mathematics and  physics, didn’t they?  Surely that country will bounce back.

4.    I’ve a few friends who would like to go in with me and purchase some land going really cheap in the Maldives.  It’s waterfront land which is relatively affordable and so lovely to sit out and watch the view from (when it is low tide).  I think this one would be a long term investment. 

5.    I got a tip off for a winner at Canterbury Park Races this coming Wednesday the 28^th.  I'd like to put $3,000 on one of the horses in that race which has odds of 28/1, which means I'll end up with $84,000.  Naturally, I won't disclose the name of the horsey, I wouldn't want everyone at the bank placing bets on her, it might bugger up the odds.  I might put $1,500 each way, just in case.

6.    Oh, I’ve another invention to patent, an ‘at home incontinence test’.    

7.    Another really good way to make money is on the Poker Machines.  Did you know that more than 10% of the world’s Poker Machines are in NSW?  I think that’s because we’re all really clever.  I’ve developed a scheme where if I put $50 in one machine, $70 in the machine to the left of that and then $100 in the one four places to the right, I always seem to win something!  This method only works when there is a line of at least five Poker Machines.

I’d also like to use some of the money for a holiday, I was thinking of going on a sailing trip off the coast of Somalia, I think that will be fun.  Actually, do you think you can make my credit increase a bit higher?  I was thinking I would like to buy a new car, I was thinking a car with good resale potential.  I was thinking a Citroën DS.  I’d really like a vintage Lada, but they’re just too hard to come by.  By the way, at what point does a car become ‘vintage’?  Can you call a Datsun 180B vintage?  I think I could find someone who has a Datsun 180B which I could possibly procure for an affordable price and then sell it for a healthy profit to a collector.  Sometimes I think the word ‘vintage’ in thrown around too often and used for items which would otherwise be defined as ‘crap’.

Anyway, I’d love the Lada, of the Citroën and I was thinking I’d like to have a new suit to take to meetings regarding the new inventions I am patenting, I need to make a good impression to new investors.  do you think single or double breasted makes a better impression.  I’d often thought double breasted was only for fat people and those stuck in the early nineties, but I think they’re making a comeback, do you think?

What colour suit would you recommend?  I think nothing says success more than Gun Metal Grey; but I’d appreciate a second opinion on that matter.

I’d appreciate the credit increase to be extended to $32,500.

Do you have any merchandise from Suncorp you can give me for free?  I was thinking some pens, a T shirt and perhaps a motor scooter.  I’m more than happy to have Suncorp’s logo printed on both the side of the scooter and on my helmet in return for this favour.

I look forward to hearing from you,

Kind Regards,

Andy Leonard

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FW: Suncorp Contact Email

Tuesday, 27 September, 2011 12:57 PM

From:

"SUNCORP-METWAY Direct Services" <direct@suncorp.com.au>

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Hello Andy, thank you for your very entertaining email.

On a serious note, if you wish to discuss increasing the credit limit on a Clear Options Credit Card, please give our Credit Cards Team a call.  They can be reached on 13 11 75; available 24/7 for your convenience.

Regards
Emma P

Dear Emma,

What is the P short for?  Apologies if that is your full surname and I inadvertently offended you by appearing to mock your little surname.

Unless you're hiding your name because you don't want people to track you down.  Does that mean Suncorp Metway is doing things in an untoward or fraudulent manner and you don't want to be held personally liable?  

If that is the case, how about you wipe my debt with Suncorp and I won't say anything.  Mum's the word, ey?  Or ... Sun's the word.

That was a bit of a Dad joke.  Sorry about that.  What's the worst Dad joke you know?  

I remember one time I announced my famished state by saying 'Dad, I'm hungry', he responded with 'Hi Hungry, I'm Dad'.  Another response to the same statement was 'Hi Hungary, I'm Germany'.  I just gave you two examples of a bad Dad joke as a response from 'I'm hungry'; please don't think that my whole life revolves around food.  It kind of does, in a way, I've a healthy obsession with food, but I'm not fat, so please stop making fun of my weight.

So how much extra are you going to give me on my credit card?

How about some free stuff from Suncorp?  Not necessarily a scooter, I've since reflected on that request and have realised that perhaps that was asking too much.  How about a pen?

What else is new, Emma?  Tell me a story.  Don't feel you need to hold back, I'm a really good listener.  What's on your mind?

Kind Regards,

Andy