Dear Myer

Myer Customer Service Centre 

PO Box 869J 

Melbourne VIC 3001

Phone: 1800 811 611 (within Australia)

or +61 3 8667 6000 (outside Australia)

Fax: 03 8667 6091

Dear Myer,

I have been a longstanding customer at Myer.  I even bought some shares with Coles Myer in June 2007 and was devastated when Wesfarmers bought out the company, severing ties with Myer in December of the same year.  I thought $42.00 a share was a great price for those shares.  Oh well.

I prefer your stores to David Jones; although it's great walking around David Jones because there’s no other store like it, I can’t afford their generally inflated prices; sometimes you find a bargain, but not often.  I once got a dreadful case of the runs from the David Jones’ food court too, that wasn’t pleasant.  Myer is more about the people, isn’t it?  I always get the feeling that it’s my store; judging from the amount of customers in your stores at any given time, everyone thinks it is their store.

Just a quick observation, I’d like to bring your attention to, however.  I was in your Pitt Street store today, the 22^nd of September, and was puzzled to find level 4 decked out with numerous Christmas trees.  How long have these trees been there?

I am very concerned that your staff may not be aware of the month.  I thought for a moment that there may have been staff from another hemisphere where Christmas happens in a different season.  Most people understand the concept, but I have met a few people from the Northern Hemisphere who have actually asked if we, in the Southern part of the world, celebrate Christmas during our winter.  They can’t grasp the concept of our beach Christmases.  It’s a pretty clear concept, I’d thought, the opposite hemisphere has opposite seasons, therefore there is opposite climates during our Christmases.  I like our beach Christmases, having prawns and Moscato in the sun, rather than Turkey and Egg Nog whilst crowding around a heater.  I suppose they both have their benefits.

The conundrum is, however, it is September, not the middle of our Winter and there are only two hemispheres and the world so we aren’t experiencing some sort of confusion with weather association and the possibility of staff at your establishment thinking it is Christmas.  Unless the trees have been there since June, have they?  I wouldn’t expect a fine establishment such as Myer would overlook something such as this, so I can’t see why the Christmas trees are up now.

Unless I have stepped into a parallel universe where Christmas happens in September.  Perhaps there is a portal where customers step into said parallel universe when they use the escalators to arrive at the level 4.  I thought I would have felt some sort sensation whilst interdimensionally traveling, but I didn’t.  I’m confused.

The only other possible explanation for this happening I can come up with is that you are putting Christmas trees up at least three months early because you wanted to maximise profits from the spirit of Christmas.  This explanation doesn’t seem to stack up for me because Myer comes across as a generally ethical company and I just can’t believe that Myer would do something like that.

So the only explanation is the portal. 

After I saw the Christmas tree, I quickly went down the escalators (which I now realise was the door to my home universe).  To be honest, I am a little frightened to go back to this parallel universe, I just don’t know what treasures; or rubbish; lies on the other side.  Perhaps I would run into my other self, would both corresponding universes implode at that point?  If there was no disaster like that to occur, do you think that I, or my other self, would harm or even kill each other?

I’m torn.  On the one hand, I’m fascinated by the world which lies on your fourth floor, but on the other hand, I’m terrified of the wrath of my other self.  I don’t like the idea of people impersonating me, I don’t even like it when I have to share my name.

I’ve so many questions about the parallel universe, I’ve outlined a few of them below.

1.    In the parallel universe, are the sales at Myer better, or worse?  Is Myer still called Grace Bothers there?

2.    Which government is in power, both federally and at a State level?

3.    Is Justin Bieber as popular as he over here in the parallel universe?  (Please say no.)

4.    What is the speed limit on the Hume Highway?  In our universe, it is 110.  Perhaps it is faster in the other universe.  Does that lead to more accidents?  Perhaps does it lead to more productivity and a general feeling of happiness amongst drivers?

5.    Did the Tsunami in Japan happen this year?  If it hasn’t happened, perhaps you should warn them.  I don’t know what you’re going to tell them to do, it’s not something you can really fend off, is it?  You could try, I guess.  Otherwise we could tell everyone to come here to escape the wrath of the wave.  That would make the parallel universe’s Australia quite crowded; but fun, I think.  We’d have great gadgetry, fantastic sushi and a better choice of television with the introduction of wacky game shows.  Do you think the Australian government and media would go for that idea?

To prevent any altercation with either universe, I suggest closing level 4 as people shouldn’t be crossing those sorts of lines, we really ought to stay put where we belong, don’t you think?

I’ve included a photo of myself with one of the trees so you can see for yourself this peculiar instance of interdimensional travel.

Can you provide me with any free things?  I’d like that.

Kind Regards,

Andy Leonard

Dear Mr Leonard,

Thank you for taking the time to write to us regarding the early preparation of our stores for Christmas.

Each year we prepare our stores in readiness for our early Christmas shoppers, some customers shop for overseas gifts, others just enjoy shopping early.  

At Myer we receive a significant amount of feedback from customers and many early Christmas shoppers enjoy the atmosphere whilst visiting our stores.  Our aim has always been to please our customers and to ensure they enjoy their shopping experience when visiting our stores.  However, It was disappointing to read  that you did not consider your recent visit to be an enjoyable occasion.

You can be assured that your comments have been passed on to our National Visual Merchandising Manager.  Customer feedback is important to us and it is constantly monitored, with recommendations being implemented where possible.  

A copy has also been sent to our management team at Myer Sydney City.

Thank you once again for your comments, Mr Leonard.  

We do hope you visit Myer again.

Your's sincerely,

Natassja Mant | Customer Service Representative 
MYER Customer Service Centre 
Level 10, 800 Collins Street, Docklands Melbourne VIC 3008 
T 1800 811 611
F 03 8667 6091
E myer.csc@myer.com.au
ü  Please consider the environment before printing this e-mail.

Dear Natassja,

That’s a lovely name, where’s it from?

Thanks for your response.  I’m glad you actually responded.  When I had my issue with the runs at David Jones, no one responded at all!  I have been waiting two years for that response.  I’ve been doing other things in that two years, however, but every day I seem to hurt a little more.

I think you misread my letter if you thought I was disappointed, I wasn’t disappointed, I was just alarmed about the portal to the parallel universe, that’s all.

So what do you reckon about this portal.  Strange isn’t it?  How did you feel when you went up the escalator?  Did you find your bones ached a little bit?  I found mine did slightly, but that surely is expected when you’re traveling through dimensions, isn’t it?

Did you see your other self there?  How did that go?  Were you too worried that there might be consequences for the universe or just either of you when you two met?

How about some free things from Myer?

Kind Regards,

Andy Leonard

23.10.11 

Dear Natassja,

The most bizarre and frightening thing has occurred.  I have realised that the parallel universe I stepped into last month has manifested itself onto the street level of your Pitt Street store.  

Have a look at the photographs I have supplied.  

The strange conical objects pictured below were perplexing to say the least.  I spent a good half hour pondering their uses.  I thought that they could be instruments of self defense in case of Armageddon fueled riots, a handy and well thought out addition to your store, especially if the Mayan calendars are correct.  I then thought that they could be used as instruments of the unthinkable belonging to a 35 metre high person who had a penchant for ... I started to think about that, but the thought was too unsavoury to continue.  

Then a horrible thought came over me.  Perhaps the portal to the parallel universe had been shifted and I was standing, once again, in the parallel universe where Christmas happens at such an early point in the year.  Has the portal been moved?  Or do you perhaps think that the parallel universe has began to actually take over our own universe.

I'm worried that the shift in the portal may continue as the said parallel universe begins to take over our own.  I've packed a bag of treasures including Original Tim Tam biscuits, Underwear, Socks and a bottle of Sparkling Mineral Water, in case they don't have it there.  I figure everything else I can make do with adapting, but I would like my own Undergarments and I'm really particular about the amount of bubbles in my Sparkling Mineral Water, so I don't want to be left worrying about that.  Everyone always says that they would always bring their photo albums, but really, in this day and age, all you really need is an external hard drive with all of your images stored.  I packed one of those too.

Have you had any other instances of other people who have had trouble with the fluid nature of the location of the parallel universe portal within your Pitt Street Store?

Has the portal driven some customers away, or has it been a good tool in creative marketing?

I would ask though, I'm not sure if you can answer since you appear to be housed in my own universe, in the parallel universe, why are these mammoth Christmas decorations so ... how do I put it?  Ugly.  Honestly, when I see those structures, I don't think of Christmas, I think of a big and strangely ribbed dildo for a giant version of Metal Mickey.

Do you remember that show?

If you don't, don't bother looking it up, it wasn't really worth the reference.

What is the likelihood of the portal being shifted further afield into the city?  I've my bag packed in case.

Thanks very much for your time,

Kind Regards,

Andy Leonard